As a mom with anxiety and depression, my mind doesn’t stop. Ever. My husband hates that I can’t just sit and watch a movie because I can’t sit still. My mind doesn’t allow me to do one thing at a time. I’m constantly making lists, I’m constantly planning, I’m constantly over obsessing every detail of every aspect of my life. My mind is constantly consumed with everything I need to do, should be doing, plan to do, didn’t do right and things I didn’t do at all. And with the latter two comes guilt, self-doubt and self-hate. Everyone else can do this, why can’t I? Why did I yell so much today? Why don’t I feel like reading to her? Shouldn’t a good mom be more patient? I hate myself for not being more patient. I hate myself for not being able to live in the moment with my children. I hate myself for not being happier. I hate myself for crying so much. My mind is nonstop. My anxiety is nonstop. My emotions are nonstop.
It is absolutely and utterly exhausting.
And the social anxiety is fun too… Why don’t other people sit with us at church meals? Oh gosh, they’re sitting with us! My mouth is full, I can’t answer their question! Oh what’s his name? I said it out loud, that is his name right?
And the constant replaying of conversations in my head, over and over again… The obsessing, the overanalyzing. It doesn’t stop.
That is the worst part of it all.